The Giraffe House

Last week I skipped all my classes to experiment with a handful of drugs I’ve always been curious about. Below is a chronicle of my experiences on each.

Cocaine- Had an hour long conversation about Obama’s new health plan with a homeless man named Willy.

Mushrooms- Made me walk like I was in a slow-motion marching band and vomit rainbows.

Acid- Shape shifted into a squirrel and feared everything.

Aderol- Cocaine’s evil little sister. Read every word of Good House Keeping magazine (November and Octobers issues) then did my laundry, organized the refrigerator and took the neighbor’s cat for a walk until I lost it and then I came home and smoked some pot.

Marijuana- Speeds kryptonite. Became one with the couch and ate Kraft singles dipped in salsa until I fell asleep.

Horse Tranquilizers- Don’t remember. Might have killed a guy.

Crack- Was only going to hit it once but found myself three hours later still hitting the same pipe, inhaling straight glass and butane until I realized I’d become a crack head and threw the pipe into the woods. Then I went looking for it.

Smack- Self-explanatory.

Whip it- Head floated off my shoulders for about seven seconds.

Ecstasy- Thought about putting my finger in everyone. Got a boner when I put sweat pants on because they were soft.

Sour Milk- Bathroom. Several Hours.

Peyote- Made a vest out of bark and moss and lived in the woods behind the house. Re-named myself Loud Foot.

Moonshine- Couldn’t feel my legs and arms but could still control them and developed an extreme prejudice towards neighborhood pets that shit in the yard. Threw  ice cubes at them, cursed. Woke up an hour west in a cornfield with only one shoe and no recollection as to how I got there.

I’m sorry, Mom.

Chris.