The Giraffe House

Well, my first few weeks of college are out of the way … I think I’m finally getting settled into the House. My roommates are terrifying … In a good way. I mean … I lock my door at night, but they’re cool.

Like Wes. This weekend he had this crazy party here, and he gave me a shot of … something alcoholic. It burned. I had trouble talking for the next couple days but he said that was normal. He loves to do ridiculous shit. He laid out some cushions at the bottom of the stairs and made me jump first. I jammed my finger but I think he respects me more as a man. His girlfriend is a spy. Ok, we don’t actually know that but she wasn’t speaking English the other day so how else would you explain that?! Wes caught her “pooping.” I don’t believe him, though, that’s just … not possible. I don’t want to think about it.

Alex is kind of a dick, but in a cool way. He’s got this smile where he doesn’t move his mouth. It’s more like a smirk, really, and mostly with his eyes. Anyway, the girls love it. He gets laid a lot. I wonder what that feels like … To get laid a lot, not like ever, or  …  I’m gonna ask him for pointers.

And then there’s Chris. He … um … is  …  you know, just … I guess? Mostly he keeps to himself, but occasionally he shows up and tries to have really awkward conversations with people. Like last week he apparently went anal with a 43 year old hooker. I guess he didn’t have a condom and didn’t want to catch anything. I don’t think it worked though cause ever since he’s been scratching his junk a lot. Sometimes like right in my face, too.

Not awesome.

He’s a good listener, though. Definitely.

I think there might be a ghost in the attic. I keep hearing strange noises at night. I’m not scared, or anything … cuz my door is locked … but it’s a bit concerning.

—Max

Here is Wes’ night, in chronological order, to the extent that I can remember. The following was scribbled on a series of post-it notes littered with drawings of dinosaurs and an Indian girl’s phone number:

-begins his pregame at The Giraffe House. drinks 6 shots.

-pees on side of Giraffe House

-walks by a police officer. Starts singing the song “lets get fucked up” and attempts to break dance. Police officer stares dissapointedly.

-hits party number one. drinks two beers. tells owner of house that she has the most beautiful knees ever and that they should “totally grab coffee sometime.”

-pees on side of house.

-plays a game of beer pong. tells everybody he is on football team. nobody believes him.

-challenges actual football player to dance off.

-walks to taco bell. eats burrito.

-meets us at party twenty minutes later.

-tells us a “funny story” concerning burrito that does not make sense. (we think he threw out half the burrito)

-drinks 4 jager-bombs. calls girl “chief.” she throws beer on him.

-goes to bathroom for fifteen minutes. he either has just pooped his pants or done cocaine.

-goes to party number three. combination of hipsters and asian-americans.

-drinks 3 shots called “ghetto-fabs.”

-makes out with indian girl.

-fights with indian girl, saying that she should “go back to her reservation.” she responds with “wrong kind of indian you jerk.”

-walks back to giraffe house. pees on house.

-sees bike. starts riding bike. breaks bike. leaves bike.

-throws bike in red cedar.

-pees onto bike, hands.

-walks back to giraffe house.

-tells me he’s glad we’re friends.

-sees a bike cop. calls him a “nazi.”

-contemplates throwing police blockade. ponders “why they would put a blockade there if they didn’t want people to throw it.”

-throws police blockade.

-gets tackled by a bike cop.

-refuses to take a breathalyzer unless he talks to his lawyer.

-asks bike cop “do your bikes go fast?”

-gets taken to jail. spends night in jail.

-blows a .02. in the morning. gets m.i.p.

-calls me to pick him up.

Best night ever? Probably not. A night worth remembering? Probably not. A night? Yes.