The Giraffe House

Christopher McGuigan

Height: 6’11; Weight: 90 in the morning, 85 around dinnertime

Vocal range: really soft to a little bit louder

133 Sneal, East Lansing

_____________________________________________________________________________________

-       West Hills Academy for Gifted Children. Entered the third grade at age four with a tenth grade reading level and fluency in three languages. Promptly assigned line leading and attendance duties, obtained position as class president within two months following a peaceful seizure of student government headquarters.

-       Parkdale Public middle school. Banished to public school due to tax related accusations against my family. Charges were dropped. Gained a reputation in the school as “the tall kid” and “the kid who falls a lot.” In reality, my reputation was one I consciously designed to study the social patterns of middle class white adolescents. My journals on the subject were published in “Scientific American” under the pseudonym “Theodore Colgate-Walker III.”

-       Greyston High School for Boys- I did not attend this school, as I was enrolled in University by the age of ten, but I was granted an honorary degree after singlehandedly rescuing every student from their dormitories during an electrical fire that burned the school to the ground. (which is why if you check these credentials, you’ll find nothing. All records were destroyed in the fire.)

-       Michigan State University- anticipating a degree in socio-agricultural sciences and a minor in race-horse breeding/naming.

Activities/ Special skills

-       Three time champion of Anuual Giraffe House Oreo Eating Competition.

-       Celebrity impressions; Celebrity’s dogs impressions

-       Changing light bulbs/batteries in smoke detectors

-       I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue . . . on command

-       Clown juggling, whenever I can wrangle together a flock of clowns

-       The Bible: I wrote it.

-       Nerf War Ammo

-       Butt plug (Butt plug soaked in vodka!)

-       I spill a lot

-       Surprises in Chris’ cereal boxes

-       Surprises in Chris’ sandwiches

-       Trail marker for when I get lost . . .

-       Surprises in Chris’ bed

-       Belly button dusters

-       Ear, nose, and eye plugs

-       Emergencies ; )

-       Starting fires (see: surprises in Chris’ bed)

THINGS I USED TO WORRY ABOUT IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL:

-       Wetting myself… stop it!

-       When is naptime?

-       Why does my pee-pee feel funny in the morning?

-       What is my pee-pee for?

-       What is my pee-pee?

THINGS I USED TO WORRY ABOUT IN HIGH SCHOOL:

-       Why can’t I talk to girls?

-       Where can I get booze?

-       How can I get that girl to screw me?

-       How long can I last while jerking off?

-       Can I make the pool house scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High happen?

THINGS I WORRY ABOUT NOW:

-       Wetting myself… stop it!

-       When is naptime?

-       How can I make my pee-pee feel better in the morning?

-       Why can’t I talk to girls?

-       Where can I get money for booze?

-       How long can I last; pee-pee wise?!

-       If I found Phoebe Cates would she blow me?

-       Exams.

-       STDs.

-       STD Exams.

-       Pee-Pee swabs.

Love Max